Weblog
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
-
Currently Listening
The Silent Force
By Within Temptation
Jillian(I'd Give My Heart)
see relatedA Dabbling in Poetry
Just Because
Nobody knows the truth but me
Because there's a part of me that loves you still
Nobody left to betray thee
Because I forgot everything I knew as true and ever will
I hate living with the knowledge that it's so hard to breathe
Because the air is so thick with hated memories, treasured memories
I hate living with the knowledge that my thoughts about you still strike so deep
Because I still have the dreams, the ones that send me flying above the trees
There's so much I wish I could say
Because you're at a point where you could listen
There's so much darkness in my day
Because I'm nothing to you but a has-been
I can't tell anyone what I know
Because I've convinced everyone of my lie
I can't show anyone what's inside of me, what makes my life difficult so
Because no one can know that I still want to die
You can't see me anymore
Because I'm your friend
You can't come through that open door
Because you can't see my end
Sunday, 16 March 2008
-
*shrug*
Not in the mood to say much, other than I found this fabulous blog, Saorise's World.... She's on my subscribe/friends list. People ought to check her out.
Friday, 08 February 2008
-
Currently Listening
Smile Empty Soul
By Smile Empty Soul
Bottom of The Bottle
see relatedThe Proof I needed
Oh, this is horrible. If I'd only been paying attention to his Xanga account. God, what kind of idiot am I? Here's what he posted on 30 October, while he was supposed to be all hung up on me.
lost
well i havent updated for a while i never had to write but today i have to get this all out or else i will break. Next month is the anniversary of the friend of mine who comitted suicide and i am still blaiming myself for that. the past couple nights ive had a knife to my arm and have been ready to slice in and to let my pain bleed out. everything i wanted to do is now undoable because of work. we lost seven fucking people four of them due to a damn slut whos fucked the four guys who left. so i wasnt able to go hang out with my friends and nor am i able to celebrate halloween because i have to work. the concert i wanted to go to was cancelled by the artist. oh and the cherry on the cake is that i still dont have a car of my own because we dont have a damn title.
the other thing is im confused and so messed up right now. im in love with a girl named jess but im also in love with another girl who ive knowin going on three years now. the sad thing is every time the girl ive known longer and i say i love you, she goes and has a boyfriend and tells me she doesnt condone cheating but then to prove to me i am wanted she will flirt with me and tell me things and then i turn around and im all confused. with jess im her only im her one its me thats it no one else. and its nice but im scared ive never been someones one and only before shes talked about getting married and have kids and i love being with her. but... jss is recovering from cancer shes been in remission for about a year or so and i dont know how i will take it if it comes back...
so there you have it my fucked up life in two long paragraphs have fun reading im out
What kind of man does that? I'm neither one of the girls he's so concerned about, because I've only known him about two years (From March 2006 or thereabouts), I've never dated anyone but him, but, good God, he said 'I love you' all the time.
So, Mr. Yankee, where did I fit in? Did you ever really tell anyone about me or was it all about those other girls? Good God, how could you? That's all I want to know.
How could you hurt me like this? How long have I been your dish on the side, your fuck buddy, your toy? HOW COULD YOU, KASEY?!
Maybe you're right. Maybe if you can't treat someone who loved you enough to wish she could substitute her wrists for yours right, you should have died in that accident. Maybe you should just go ahead and slice deeper, but remember, it's not across the tracks, it's down the road if you're serious.
Because, God knows, you don't love anyone, never me, and I'm releasing you from that little promise. You wanna die, go ahead, cause I won't follow you. I won't love you anymore because you've only betrayed me at every turn, but I'm the fool in this because I honestly bought into the 'I love you's and the 'I wish I was with you' and the 'I need you's.
But Kris and Sierra are right. It's your loss. I'm a good person, I deserve to be with someone who will respect me enough to be my one and only, the thing you were so concerned about with Jess. I knew something was wrong between the two of you, but I tried to ignore it, thought it was just me being paranoid.
I'm such an idiot. Such a fuckin' idiot. No wonder you chose not to mention me, or your betrayals. I'm just second-best Brandi. I'd have never figured it out on my own.
-
Currently Listening
Land of Confusion
By Disturbed
Land Of Confusion
see relatedWhy You Had To Go...
*Substitutions have been made for names to protect the identities of the innocent and guilty parties.
It's so simple to get lost in the games of the world, the minor things that, in that one moment, seem so big, so important. It's so easy to froget that there's someone who loves you so much that they'd die for you if you asked, that they'd sacrifice their own happiness for your wellbeing...
The kind of all-consuming love that can't just die because you say 'Let's just be friends' or 'I don't want to hurt you so I'm leaving you.'
YOU DUMBASS! It's the leaving that hurts!
Especially when I knew about your 'dirty little secret' (the other woman, of course, for those of you new to this drama) for nearly a year, and did what I thought a lady should and didn't confront her, didn't cry or rage or demand that you be solely with me. A lady doesn't confront a whore. And I'm just Southern enough to believe in being a lady, much to my regret.
What hurts more is I found out about her on my fuckin' birthday. You were all 'Let's have the birthday spanking' and too stupid to see that I was shattering inside.
What happened to truth and fidelity? What happened to making the people you say you love feel like they have all of your attention, your affection? Making the woman you say you love feel like she can accomplish anything, that she's your everything and all?
Yeah. Whoops. Forgot, that's what romance novels are for, riiiight?
And that I couldn't enjoy a blind date that I'd been set up on because I still love you so much that it hurts to try to be 'just' a friend and that enjoying myself around another guy felt like a horrible betrayal to you.
Bet you never felt that when you fucked Miss January* (and you know exactly who I'm talking about, don't you?)... I still can't believe that a sixteen-year-old seduced a twenty-one-year-old who claimed to be man enough to control his responses to women. You weren't drunk, because you don't drink. You weren't stoned, because you don't do drugs.
So, in reality, you had no excuse for sleeping with her. But, what did I do when I found out about it because she was woman enough to say, "He told me he was single and I went for it. I'm sorry."? I forgave your sorry ass.
What did I do when you practically moved another woman into your home, claiming you were 'just friends' when you refused to help me when I needed you? I forgave you and dealt with things on my own.
I'm fuckin' glad you're gone and if you fuckin' die, your problem, not mine. You want to say good-byes because I told you that I can't be 'just' a friend? Fuck you. Go to Dream* or whomever it is that comforts you because I'm going to take control of my life and do my damnedest to move on.
I refuse to be the kind of weak-willed woman my mother is and not be able to move on after I get left. All you really did, Apple*, was teach me that men are exactly what I've always viewed them as:
Hopeless creatures to the physical attraction of a woman without bothering to look at someone who's not physically attractive, but may have a lot more substance than one of the Beautiful People.
I just wish that, even now, I could hate you. But, I'm too much of a lady to hate you, or to say any of this to your face.
Friday, 29 December 2006
-
Lyrics to Solitude and Understanding By Evanescence
Understanding
Items in italics are spoken quotes from 'When a Man Loves a Woman' (1994, starring Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia)
You hold the answer deep within your own mind. Consciously you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenver something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain we reject it, we erase it from our memory, but the imprint is always there.
We wash it all away, we wish it all away, we hope it all away, can't cry it all away.
The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth that finds a way to who we arePlease don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming at our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final timeWe're supposed to try to be real. We feel alone when we're not together, and that is real.
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all awayLying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all aloneYou're not alone, honey, Never. Never.
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade awayCan't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't throw it all away
Can't scratch it all awayCan't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Move it all away
Move it all awayBut the imprint is always there, nothing is ever really forgotten
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying tooSolitude
2.. 3.. 4 <-- Teh Ben
How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here, beside you?
I lived through you; you looked through meOoo, solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from youHow many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?Ooo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, Only trueEveryone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind.
I can't stay her another nightYour secret admirer
Who could it be?Ooo..
Can't you you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from youOoo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, only true
LoyalExecutioner
-
- Name: LoyalExecutioner
- Country: United States
- State: Florida
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 10/12/2005
