LoyalExecutioner's Xanga

A Dabbling in Poetry

Tue, 25 Mar 2008 14:48:44 GMT

Just Because

Nobody knows the truth but me

Because there's a part of me that loves you still

Nobody left to betray thee

Because I forgot everything I knew as true and ever will

I hate living with the knowledge that it's so hard to breathe

Because the air is so thick with hated memories, treasured memories

I hate living with the knowledge that my thoughts about you still strike so deep

Because I still have the dreams, the ones that send me flying above the trees

There's so much I wish I could say

Because you're at a point where you could listen

There's so much darkness in my day

Because I'm nothing to you but a has-been

I can't tell anyone what I know

Because I've convinced everyone of my lie

I can't show anyone what's inside of me, what makes my life difficult so

Because no one can know that I still want to die

You can't see me anymore

Because I'm your friend

You can't come through that open door

Because you can't see my end

shrug

Sun, 16 Mar 2008 18:30:21 GMT

Not in the mood to say much, other than I found this fabulous blog, Saorise's World.... She's on my subscribe/friends list. People ought to check her out.

The Proof I needed

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 20:12:33 GMT

Oh, this is horrible. If I'd only been paying attention to his Xanga account. God, what kind of idiot am I? Here's what he posted on 30 October, while he was supposed to be all hung up on me.

Alchemistfullmetal

lost

well i havent updated for a while i never had to write but today i have to get this all out or else i will break. Next month is the anniversary of the friend of mine who comitted suicide and i am still blaiming myself for that. the past couple nights ive had a knife to my arm and have been ready to slice in and to let my pain bleed out. everything i wanted to do is now undoable because of work. we lost seven fucking people four of them due to a damn slut whos fucked the four guys who left. so i wasnt able to go hang out with my friends and nor am i able to celebrate halloween because i have to work. the concert i wanted to go to was cancelled by the artist. oh and the cherry on the cake is that i still dont have a car of my own because we dont have a damn title.

the other thing is im confused and so messed up right now. im in love with a girl named jess but im also in love with another girl who ive knowin going on three years now. the sad thing is every time the girl ive known longer and i say i love you, she goes and has a boyfriend and tells me she doesnt condone cheating but then to prove to me i am wanted she will flirt with me and tell me things and then i turn around and im all confused. with jess im her only im her one its me thats it no one else. and its nice but im scared ive never been someones one and only before shes talked about getting married and have kids and i love being with her. but... jss is recovering from cancer shes been in remission for about a year or so and i dont know how i will take it if it comes back...

so there you have it my fucked up life in two long paragraphs have fun reading im out

What kind of man does that? I'm neither one of the girls he's so concerned about, because I've only known him about two years (From March 2006 or thereabouts), I've never dated anyone but him, but, good God, he said 'I love you' all the time.

So, Mr. Yankee, where did I fit in? Did you ever really tell anyone about me or was it all about those other girls? Good God, how could you? That's all I want to know.

How could you hurt me like this? How long have I been your dish on the side, your fuck buddy, your toy? HOW COULD YOU, KASEY?!

Maybe you're right. Maybe if you can't treat someone who loved you enough to wish she could substitute her wrists for yours right, you should have died in that accident. Maybe you should just go ahead and slice deeper, but remember, it's not across the tracks, it's down the road if you're serious.

Because, God knows, you don't love anyone, never me, and I'm releasing you from that little promise. You wanna die, go ahead, cause I won't follow you. I won't love you anymore because you've only betrayed me at every turn, but I'm the fool in this because I honestly bought into the 'I love you's and the 'I wish I was with you' and the 'I need you's.

But Kris and Sierra are right. It's your loss. I'm a good person, I deserve to be with someone who will respect me enough to be my one and only, the thing you were so concerned about with Jess. I knew something was wrong between the two of you, but I tried to ignore it, thought it was just me being paranoid.

I'm such an idiot. Such a fuckin' idiot. No wonder you chose not to mention me, or your betrayals. I'm just second-best Brandi. I'd have never figured it out on my own.

Why You Had To Go...

Fri, 08 Feb 2008 17:19:12 GMT

*Substitutions have been made for names to protect the identities of the innocent and guilty parties.

It's so simple to get lost in the games of the world, the minor things that, in that one moment, seem so big, so important. It's so easy to froget that there's someone who loves you so much that they'd die for you if you asked, that they'd sacrifice their own happiness for your wellbeing...

The kind of all-consuming love that can't just die because you say 'Let's just be friends' or 'I don't want to hurt you so I'm leaving you.'

YOU DUMBASS! It's the leaving that hurts!

Especially when I knew about your 'dirty little secret' (the other woman, of course, for those of you new to this drama) for nearly a year, and did what I thought a lady should and didn't confront her, didn't cry or rage or demand that you be solely with me. A lady doesn't confront a whore. And I'm just Southern enough to believe in being a lady, much to my regret.

What hurts more is I found out about her on my fuckin' birthday. You were all 'Let's have the birthday spanking' and too stupid to see that I was shattering inside.

What happened to truth and fidelity? What happened to making the people you say you love feel like they have all of your attention, your affection? Making the woman you say you love feel like she can accomplish anything, that she's your everything and all?

Yeah. Whoops. Forgot, that's what romance novels are for, riiiight?

And that I couldn't enjoy a blind date that I'd been set up on because I still love you so much that it hurts to try to be 'just' a friend and that enjoying myself around another guy felt like a horrible betrayal to you.

Bet you never felt that when you fucked Miss January* (and you know exactly who I'm talking about, don't you?)... I still can't believe that a sixteen-year-old seduced a twenty-one-year-old who claimed to be man enough to control his responses to women. You weren't drunk, because you don't drink. You weren't stoned, because you don't do drugs.

So, in reality, you had no excuse for sleeping with her. But, what did I do when I found out about it because she was woman enough to say, "He told me he was single and I went for it. I'm sorry."? I forgave your sorry ass.

What did I do when you practically moved another woman into your home, claiming you were 'just friends' when you refused to help me when I needed you? I forgave you and dealt with things on my own.

I'm fuckin' glad you're gone and if you fuckin' die, your problem, not mine. You want to say good-byes because I told you that I can't be 'just' a friend? Fuck you. Go to Dream* or whomever it is that comforts you because I'm going to take control of my life and do my damnedest to move on.

I refuse to be the kind of weak-willed woman my mother is and not be able to move on after I get left. All you really did, Apple*, was teach me that men are exactly what I've always viewed them as:

Hopeless creatures to the physical attraction of a woman without bothering to look at someone who's not physically attractive, but may have a lot more substance than one of the Beautiful People.

I just wish that, even now, I could hate you. But, I'm too much of a lady to hate you, or to say any of this to your face.

Lyrics to Solitude and Understanding By Evanescence

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 14:10:16 GMT

Understanding

Items in italics are spoken quotes from 'When a Man Loves a Woman' (1994, starring Meg Ryan and Andy Garcia)

You hold the answer deep within your own mind. Consciously you've forgotten it. That's the way the human mind works. Whenver something is too unpleasant, too shameful for us to entertain we reject it, we erase it from our memory, but the imprint is always there.

We wash it all away, we wish it all away, we hope it all away, can't cry it all away.

The pain that grips you
The fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual shame we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth that finds a way to who we are

Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades away
The dawn will break the silence screaming at our hearts
My love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to fight the truth my final time

We're supposed to try to be real. We feel alone when we're not together, and that is real.

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Lying beside you
Listening to you breathe
The light that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without a sound
Tell me you will live through this and I will die for you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all alone

You're not alone, honey, Never. Never.

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away

Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't throw it all away
Can't scratch it all away

Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
Move it all away
Move it all away

But the imprint is always there, nothing is ever really forgotten

Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too,
Because I'm dying too

Solitude

2.. 3.. 4 <-- Teh Ben

How many times have you told me you love her?
As many times as I wanted to tell you the truth
How long have I stood here, beside you?
I lived through you; you looked through me

Ooo, solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you

How many times have I done this to myself?
How long will it take before I see?
When will this hole in my heart be mended?
Who now is left alone but me?

Ooo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, Only true

Everyone leaves me stranded
Forgotten, abandoned, left behind.
I can't stay her another night

Your secret admirer
Who could it be?

Ooo..
Can't you you see all along it was me?
How can you be so blind as to see right through me?

Solitude
Still with me is only you
Ooo, solitude
I can't stay away from you

Ooo, solitude
Forever me and forever you
Ooo, solitude
Only you, only true

Too Many Questions

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 14:05:16 GMT

If death will one day claim us all, how does one stop someone else from choosing to speed up the process? Especially since you'd rather the person in question hurt you before they hurt themselves?

For the one I am talking about, I would offer my wrists to him, though I am positive he wouldn't accept. More's the pity. We need more guys like him in the world, the trust-worthy, kind, good-hearted kind, and we need less of women like me. Too tough, too used to violence and betrayal, too unfamiliar with their emotions to be able to trust them.

If you're reading this, you know who you are. I love you and I need you in this world, even if you're not with me. Don't choose to go to a realm that I cannot join you in yet.

What's went wrong and why I haven't been here in two months..

Fri, 03 Mar 2006 15:26:43 GMT

Well, let's see... Narada, my best bud, the person I wanted to give me away (should I ever get married), is now dead. He passed away and I only today found out details.

I got into a fight with my grandmother and she banned me from the PC until I moved to my mother's. (Don't worry, everyone. I'm watching my back.)

I can't say anything more. Just look at the lyrics to 'Smiling Face' by M2M. That's how I've been feeling recently.

Bye, Narada. I love you like the brother you always were.

Friends, loved ones, and family....

Wed, 21 Dec 2005 14:03:32 GMT

First off, this may be my last post before the New Year, so happy holidays to all of ya'll who are reading this. I love ya'll and wish ya'll the best, clear?

*hears a chorus of 'Okay, mate.' and 'Crystal f***ing clear.'*

I think that the crystal clear comment is an American thing. Sorry to all of my European and Asian friends for the rudeness of some.... *glares at the person who said it*

I'm glad that I've had all of you to enrich my life with laughter and a few tears over the past year or five years or however long I've known you. You are all with me, no matter the distance, be it an ocean or a couple of continents...

Lonely, Angry, and Misunderstood... Freedom's Price

Tue, 13 Dec 2005 14:00:10 GMT

Will I ever be allowed to love? Will my sins prevent me from finding happiness with someone? Race matters nothing to me, nor does social status, wealth, or lack thereof. I've been dirt poor most of my life and care nothing for riches.

My sins... how ironic that I am now concerned with them. When I committed them, I cared little, if anything, about the consequences. What I cared about was making sure that I was considered submissive to no man, woman, or being. I wanted equality and (maybe) superiority.

No, I'm not one of those hateful Neo-Nazi skinhead supremacists. They make me shudder in distaste, really.

I've just seen too many relationships in my family turn abusive because the female allowed herself to be smothered and subjugated. I've seen the bruises, the emotional distress, the hurt, and the fear.

I wanted to be nothing like that. I wanted to be considered tough, hard, and even unconquerable. Even if that meant losing the respect and friendship of my closest familial intimates because they thought I was 'queer.'

What have I wrought for myself? To quote a famous line, though it's lame as hell, 'I have a baaaad feeling about this.'

Why Gackt-sama, Evanescence, and Hyde are a heady mixture....

Wed, 07 Dec 2005 14:57:23 GMT

'Vanilla,' followed by 'Taking Over Me (The Long Version)', then 'Midnight Celebration'...

It's enough to make even a depressed person very happy. Or at least me. Then again, it's an acknowledged fact that I'm simply strange...

Oh well. I'm happy. That's really all that matters, no?