Friday, 08 February 2008
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Smile Empty Soul
By Smile Empty Soul
Bottom of The Bottle
see relatedThe Proof I needed
Oh, this is horrible. If I'd only been paying attention to his Xanga account. God, what kind of idiot am I? Here's what he posted on 30 October, while he was supposed to be all hung up on me.
lost
well i havent updated for a while i never had to write but today i have to get this all out or else i will break. Next month is the anniversary of the friend of mine who comitted suicide and i am still blaiming myself for that. the past couple nights ive had a knife to my arm and have been ready to slice in and to let my pain bleed out. everything i wanted to do is now undoable because of work. we lost seven fucking people four of them due to a damn slut whos fucked the four guys who left. so i wasnt able to go hang out with my friends and nor am i able to celebrate halloween because i have to work. the concert i wanted to go to was cancelled by the artist. oh and the cherry on the cake is that i still dont have a car of my own because we dont have a damn title.
the other thing is im confused and so messed up right now. im in love with a girl named jess but im also in love with another girl who ive knowin going on three years now. the sad thing is every time the girl ive known longer and i say i love you, she goes and has a boyfriend and tells me she doesnt condone cheating but then to prove to me i am wanted she will flirt with me and tell me things and then i turn around and im all confused. with jess im her only im her one its me thats it no one else. and its nice but im scared ive never been someones one and only before shes talked about getting married and have kids and i love being with her. but... jss is recovering from cancer shes been in remission for about a year or so and i dont know how i will take it if it comes back...
so there you have it my fucked up life in two long paragraphs have fun reading im out
What kind of man does that? I'm neither one of the girls he's so concerned about, because I've only known him about two years (From March 2006 or thereabouts), I've never dated anyone but him, but, good God, he said 'I love you' all the time.
So, Mr. Yankee, where did I fit in? Did you ever really tell anyone about me or was it all about those other girls? Good God, how could you? That's all I want to know.
How could you hurt me like this? How long have I been your dish on the side, your fuck buddy, your toy? HOW COULD YOU, KASEY?!
Maybe you're right. Maybe if you can't treat someone who loved you enough to wish she could substitute her wrists for yours right, you should have died in that accident. Maybe you should just go ahead and slice deeper, but remember, it's not across the tracks, it's down the road if you're serious.
Because, God knows, you don't love anyone, never me, and I'm releasing you from that little promise. You wanna die, go ahead, cause I won't follow you. I won't love you anymore because you've only betrayed me at every turn, but I'm the fool in this because I honestly bought into the 'I love you's and the 'I wish I was with you' and the 'I need you's.
But Kris and Sierra are right. It's your loss. I'm a good person, I deserve to be with someone who will respect me enough to be my one and only, the thing you were so concerned about with Jess. I knew something was wrong between the two of you, but I tried to ignore it, thought it was just me being paranoid.
I'm such an idiot. Such a fuckin' idiot. No wonder you chose not to mention me, or your betrayals. I'm just second-best Brandi. I'd have never figured it out on my own.
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